


clementine

by justalittlegreen



Series: Sunshine and Filth [22]
Category: MASH (1970), MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, PEG - Freeform, beej, bj, peg's got demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 09:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16678606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justalittlegreen/pseuds/justalittlegreen
Summary: It's one of those nights.





	clementine

It's one of those nights - when Erin won't stop screaming and there's no one else to soothe her, the dishes haven't been done since breakfast, Peg's real estate books are uncracked on the table where she left them four days ago, the dog isn't entirely housebroken yet - 

 

and there's been no letter from BJ for six days. Not that she's counting.

Not that she's on a first-name basis with the faux-sympathy of the postman's concerned smile. 

Not that Erin is still screaming in her crib and Peg is downstairs with a pillow over her head and sobbing into the couch.

 

Some nights are like this.

Nights when she hates him for leaving and is too angry to want him home.

Nights when the impulse to put Erin in the car and aim for Oklahoma is so strong she hides the keys from herself.

 

Nights when her imagination is so vividly cruel she can see him standing before her, explaining, "Peggy, I will always love you, but you're not a good enough mother. Look at this place. She can't grow up like this."  
  
"Peggy, Hawkeye is going to visit and stay here and that is final. You'll sleep in the guest room."  
  
"Peggy, you're just being unreasonable."

  
  
She has carried conversations in her head with him for a year, now - filled in both parts, patching together scraps of his voice. They've quarreled, they've sweet-talked, they've chatted about the weather. Sometimes she asks his advice. Sometimes the advice he gives in her head is better than the advice he gives aloud.  
  
Which is why it's impossible to ignore when her imagination turns on her.   
  
So she stays on the couch, crying hard, listening to her daughter wail for far longer than BJ would ever allow, were he home. I bet she'd quiet for him, Peg thinks bitterly. I bet he'd walk into her room and she'd drop it at the sight of him and start cooing. 

It's so vivid. She can see him walking in and scooping Erin up, can see Erin's rumpled, streaked red face burrowing into his perfect shoulder -  
  
sees him, in her mind, holding out his other arm. Sees herself letting herself be tucked into his side, letting him hold her close, kissing Erin's head, then hers.

In this version all he says is, "my beautiful girls. I've got my beautiful girls."  
  
In this version, Hawkeye Pierce is a stray cat she can shut the back door on.

In this version, the dishes are always done.

In this version, he's cheering her off to take her real estate exam with a burp cloth on his shoulder and a stethoscope around his neck.

In this version, nobody screams for hours.  
  
In this version, the postman doffs his cap and nods at her with respect. His smile is real.  
  
  
Peggy realizes the only sound left in the house is her own slowing breath. Erin has cried it out for the night. Peg muscles herself off the couch to go check on her, finds her curled in her crib, legs tucked under her and her bottom in the air. She tucks the blanket around the little lump and settles the teddy bear in the corner.  
  
She heads down to the kitchen and finally starts the dishes. She's halfway through when BJ shows up in her head again. He's leaning against the sink and humming. She looks at him and he strokes her cheek with his thumb, looking at her with the kind of love she's known the whole time. In this version, she lets herself be folded into his arms, dripping rubber gloves and all, and they sway slightly, rocking on the checked linoleum.   
  
"Oh my darlin," he sings softly. "Oh my darlin,"   
  
It's not quite the same song, but in her mind, it makes as much sense as dreams do when she's having them.  
  
"I'm not lost or gone forever," he continues. "and I'm always your clementine."


End file.
